Visualizer

I often think in 3D. I can visualize almost anything, an apple for example. I can picture a white background, a red apple, maybe honeycrisp with a  green leaf on top, casting a small shadow from the bright overhead lighting. We had an apple tree in out backyard growing up, so I spent a lot of time analyzing the fruits and flowers. I studied the backs of leaves, looking at the stomata we learned about in science. Each tiny pocket reminded me of the skin on the back of my hands.

Reading books nearly drove me into a hermetic lifestyle (this is still my end goal.) I could picture the story unfolding before me, details and expressions on characters faces, the colors described of their clothing, the construction of the patterns. I love breaking things down in my mind, especially clothing. What fabric did they use? Natural or synthetic dye? How would they alter that pattern to fit on a different body type? In my mind I deconstruct and reconstruct the garment, down to the stitching. It's a fun mental hobby of mine.

I enjoyed getting to know characters through their own worldview. I could take out the guessing for why a character acted the way they did, I already had the background knowledge. I didn't have to do any guesswork or make assumptions or try to sniff out hidden meanings like in day to day talks with fellow humans. 

That's what I do best, stare and analyze. I love taking things at face value. Tell me what you are and don't hide anything. I may not know the past or the future, but I can see all that you are right here, right now. 

I am a tactile learner as well, I love to feel the different textures of fabric, flowers, skin, hair; when I get close to people I will often see if I can hug them or hold them to feel their skin. I don't want to be creepy...but hell who gives a shit if its consensual! Now biting is not something I can do with day-to-day interactions, sadly. I love feeling skin in my mouth, under my teeth; the taste of freshly washed flesh is one of my favorites. 

On a less sunny note, my brain loves to visualize my death, or the deaths of others. Lately, the scenes that flash behind my eyes involve guns, vehicular accidents, and sharp objects. Or imagining the reactions to the cutting words I could say to leave a situation. 

When I'm not thinking in 3D, I think in words. A beige background with words inscribed in black ink appear right behind my eyes, following what I am hearing or practicing what I am going to say. It's especially fun to do with songs! I am my own karaoke machine. If I want to commit a song to memory, I do, and repeat the words incessantly or write them down to solidify my memory. 

Uh I don't know how to wrap this one up 

the end?

Joy

While I still hear the bad thoughts almost daily, I know how to enjoy contentment and even serenity when it finds me. 

I like to imagine my child self, happy, joyous, free, untouched. Looking at everything the world has to offer. Making friends with anyone who wants to play with me. Maybe a little bossy, since playtime was very structured in a way that made sense in my brain. Some kids got it, some didn't. I really just want to share my world with someone, to be understood. 

I really like dressing up, another childhood indulgence. I had a big chest of drawers that held all my princess dresses, shiny fabrics, sparkly shoes, wands, cloaks, canes, crowns, you name it. Today I have seventeen hats, five pirate shirts, three cloaks, six shoe pairs, and all the accessories I could need. I carry a hand crafted leather utility belt with me wherever I go, ready with my leatherman, loops, lighter, pen/cil, keys, chapstick and dental floss.

I have lots of interests and hobbies that bring me joy, even if they drive me a bit mad. I place a lot of value in the steps it takes to accomplish something. I can sew, draw, and write almost anything I put my mind to, but my mind hasn't been putting out. Dang it the negative thinking strikes again. It is okay! 

When I feel joyous, I smile wide, I jump up and down, shake my hands, dance, or sing. I love sharing that joy with others, but I can tone it down depending on the circumstance. I often say "yippee!!" or "huzzah!!" to something good that happens. I can feel a warm, goosebump like feeling when listening to my favorite music or something emotionally moving, spreading through my body. 

I know there are joys still unknown to me that I must be here to experience. 

Sadism

I relish to admit that I prefer more of the inflicting than receiving of pain.

This was hard for me to accept at first, since the idea of getting the shit beat out of me was appealing, but when I had my first extreme exhibition, I cried and went to a sad place. My mind palace is enough to have me tortured. Although I do like causing pain, I rarely if ever get to serve it. And even then, I worry about doing too much or pushing someone past their limits. I know that I have stayed silent in sexual encounters just to survive, even when I was uncomfortable or wanted to stop. I felt I deserved to be uncomfortable. I do not want to repeat this going forward.

As a child I would hurt others. Pushing kids down on the playground. Hitting. Biting. Scratching. Anything to cause pain. I even hurt animals. They couldn't do anything to stop me.

None of this I am proud to admit. But it is my past and it does not define me.

Quickly I learned how to conform. If I did and said the right things and maintained 'innocence' I could think about whatever I wanted. The amount of times I've mentally dismembered someone outnumbers the leaves on a redwood.

Am I a sociopath? Who's to say.

Okay just looked it up apparently 'sociopath' is an outdated term, the internet said "Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD), sometimes called sociopathy, is a mental health condition characterized by a long-term pattern of disregarding or violating the rights of others. Individuals with ASPD often exhibit manipulative, exploitative, or aggressive behaviors, and may struggle with empathy, remorse, and responsibility."

hmmm let's try "Psychopathy, or psychopathic personality, is a personality construct characterized by impaired empathy and remorse, persistent antisocial behavior, along with bold, disinhibited, and egocentric traits. These traits are often masked by superficial charm and immunity to stress, which create an outward appearance of apparent normalcy."

Well I'm definitely not immune to stress, so that's out.

All I wanna do is release my inhibitions.

And make someone bleed.

Consensually.

Masque

Guess who started reading Unmasking Autism! 

It's been suspected for years. I showed very clear signs in elementary school, when I had to learn about societal expectations for those born with a uterus. Medication for my "extreme outbursts" was suggested, but my father was opposed. He had a philosophy that mixing drugs in children was bad and would ruin their brain chemistry. I wonder if it would have made a difference?

As I've mentioned, I learned how to "act straight" very quickly. The world was never going to turn towards me, so I turned away from the world. Books! The Internet! Forests! Much much better places to be than school or work or church. Why are there so many rules based on what old people said was good? There's another side of the world that thinks differently, so why is my own community so hellbent on the "one right way" to be? It never made sense to me, still doesn't. I learned that every snowflake, every fingerprint (except for identical twins) is unique, so why are we putting people into boxes?

I learned what autism was in school; people with autism went to special classrooms and had special teachers that would follow them around. Sometimes they would yell, or go silent, or have toys that they chewed on or had to have a wet sponge to pet instead of sucking on their fingers. I understood them, and feverously picked my cuticles in and bashed my head silence; I was too focused on blending in to really get to know them as people. 

Things that should've clued me in:

Going silent

Trouble focusing

Excessive rumination

Detailed, intense playtime

Spinning, lots and lots of spinning

Feeling wrong and weird in my body

Only feeling outgoing when in a costume

Restricting food to meet 'thin' beauty standards

Feeling intense depression and anxiety over rejection

Scary thoughts that make me think I'd be better off dead

Periods of sorrow & nihilism, believing that nothing matters

Outbursts of rage & growling like an animal and destroying things

Hanging onto a cold earlobe, not my own, and sucking on my thumb

Not knowing what emotion I am feeling at any time, unless it is overwhelming

Obsessing over my nails, constantly picking them until they are even on both hands

Not getting along or forming deep connections with peers, but desperately wanting to

and more!

It's really, really hard for me to accept that I must take life slower than others. I must live my life a different way in order to keep myself healthy and happy. If I push myself to the production level of others, I quickly crash out and the thoughts start circling: why can't I be better? It's not a matter of willpower, it's a matter of learning how I function to the best of my ability, and applying this knowledge to my work. Because sadly I must work to live the life I want, and it is expensive to live. I'm becoming more and more disillusioned by the modern workforce and values of a 'good employee.' I may not be the best, but I offer something no one else can. Me.

YADHTRIB

I made it to 26!

What now?

Continue business as usual. 

KMS

I think I was 9 when I first attempted? Then 15, then 21. Woah, just realized it comes in 6 year spurts. Quirky. 2027 finna be my year. (just kidding) 

I'd like to die for something as a martyr, for the children starving overseas, for the homeless brutalized for existing, for the animals who are endangered, for the queers being murdered, for our rights being stripped away, for the land that is continuously raped. 

People die all the time. On purpose, by accident. What's one more?

Oh, they would be sad, I'm sure. Some may be delighted, or at least relieved. 

Hanging. Seppuku. Bathtub slits. Dehydration. Chemicals. Car crash. Exposure. 

Natural causes?

Kill me during sex. Rend me limb from limb in the most beautiful way. The void calls with a sultry grin. Her bloodstained nails and sharp teeth are made for cutting, slicing into soft flesh. She is dangerous and alluring. I want to be fucked by her. 

Is my brain beyond saving? My innocence was gone soon after birth, if I ever had any to begin with. So I pretended to be good. 

I am just itching for an opportunity to strike. It must be deserved. It would be easy. I could make it painless, but where's the fun in that?

Edit: I am safe. I am not a threat. I need to write these thoughts down or else I'll explode (not literally but I wish)

Anger

 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

This is my brain on anger.

I want to break things. I drive a little more recklessly. I slam doors. I shut things down as fast as possible. I punch my pillows. I speak carelessly. I bang my fists against my head. 

It's funny, I went to a few child therapists back in the day and one of them told me a story. It was about a girl who thought she was awful, so when she did something bad, she would hit herself in the head with a hammer. Then she confessed to doing this to some adults, the adults were extremely worried for her safety. 

I took this story in a different way: oh, if I hurt myself, there's an outlet for the anger. So, in secret, I started beating myself in the head. Migraines followed after years of doing this. I learned that it wasn't a productive way to deal with anger, so I did my best to become complacent and a people pleaser, so that no one would be angry with me and I wouldn't get angry with anyone else. It worked! I solved all my problems and I lived happily ever after. 

Adult therapists assured me that I could be better, actually better. Along with my friends and my program, I'm working through it. But the Elixir of Man has brought up many, many bouts of anger and jealousy and rage that I am all to familiar with. Second Puberty is something else. I will catch myself repeating old patterns of self destruction. It is a very hard cycle to break! 

Break. breakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreak

Breathe.

Limerence and Limericks

There was a lad from Tennessee, 

Who liked their bout of fantasy.

When they found they could fuck,

They thought "Oh what luck!"

And neglected to think about jealousy. 

I get jealous okay!! Non monogamy is not all sunshine and rainbows, but I have to say it's worth it for the liberation. My go-to cry in the car song is "Someone New" by Hozier, because it speaks to me. I do feel that I fall in love every day. Maybe that's why I'm so spacy, I've been falling for 26 years. I do have an addictive personality, courtesy of my family lineage, and I have come to realize that I have experienced limerence with many people over my years as a slut. It starts with intense romantic feelings, setting unrealistic expectations, wanting to talk every second of the day, picturing the future with the other person or persons. Then, the spell is broken, the hearts stop popping out of my eyes, and I have to make amends for those I hurt in the process. 

I'm a student of life and constantly learning how I work. Even now, I crave the partnership I see in couples. I want a best friend, a pal and a confidant. I am extremely fortunate in the friend department. I love them all (and some of them I get to make love to!) The jealously I feel, it's like a child that didn't get picked but still got to join the schoolyard games. It stings, but I still have fun. Sometimes it takes a while for the sting to go away, especially if my brain has perceived previous interactions as more sentimental than the other party involved. Relationships of any kind have layers! It can take me a moment to figure these out, or never figure them out. 

It may be months, years, (or it may never happen) before I find my person or persons. I have likened myself to the aromantic spectrum, given my history of leaving people once limerence fades. I am enjoying my time now, navigating this new world and this new body. I can't wait for more fun! 

At the end of the day, I know I've got me.