Anger

 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

This is my brain on anger.

I want to break things. I drive a little more recklessly. I slam doors. I shut things down as fast as possible. I punch my pillows. I speak carelessly. I bang my fists against my head. 

It's funny, I went to a few child therapists back in the day and one of them told me a story. It was about a girl who thought she was awful, so when she did something bad, she would hit herself in the head with a hammer. Then she confessed to doing this to some adults, the adults were extremely worried for her safety. 

I took this story in a different way: oh, if I hurt myself, there's an outlet for the anger. So, in secret, I started beating myself in the head. Migraines followed after years of doing this. I learned that it wasn't a productive way to deal with anger, so I did my best to become complacent and a people pleaser, so that no one would be angry with me and I wouldn't get angry with anyone else. It worked! I solved all my problems and I lived happily ever after. 

Adult therapists assured me that I could be better, actually better. Along with my friends and my program, I'm working through it. But the Elixir of Man has brought up many, many bouts of anger and jealousy and rage that I am all to familiar with. Second Puberty is something else. I will catch myself repeating old patterns of self destruction. It is a very hard cycle to break! 

Break. breakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreakbreak

Breathe.