Sadism

I relish to admit that I prefer more of the inflicting than receiving of pain.

This was hard for me to accept at first, since the idea of getting the shit beat out of me was appealing, but when I had my first extreme exhibition, I cried and went to a sad place. My mind palace is enough to have me tortured. Although I do like causing pain, I rarely if ever get to serve it. And even then, I worry about doing too much or pushing someone past their limits. I know that I have stayed silent in sexual encounters just to survive, even when I was uncomfortable or wanted to stop. I felt I deserved to be uncomfortable. I do not want to repeat this going forward.

As a child I would hurt others. Pushing kids down on the playground. Hitting. Biting. Scratching. Anything to cause pain. I even hurt animals. They couldn't do anything to stop me.

None of this I am proud to admit. But it is my past and it does not define me.

Quickly I learned how to conform. If I did and said the right things and maintained 'innocence' I could think about whatever I wanted. The amount of times I've mentally dismembered someone outnumbers the leaves on a redwood.

Am I a sociopath? Who's to say.

Okay just looked it up apparently 'sociopath' is an outdated term, the internet said "Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD), sometimes called sociopathy, is a mental health condition characterized by a long-term pattern of disregarding or violating the rights of others. Individuals with ASPD often exhibit manipulative, exploitative, or aggressive behaviors, and may struggle with empathy, remorse, and responsibility."

hmmm let's try "Psychopathy, or psychopathic personality, is a personality construct characterized by impaired empathy and remorse, persistent antisocial behavior, along with bold, disinhibited, and egocentric traits. These traits are often masked by superficial charm and immunity to stress, which create an outward appearance of apparent normalcy."

Well I'm definitely not immune to stress, so that's out.

All I wanna do is release my inhibitions.

And make someone bleed.

Consensually.