Joy

While I still hear the bad thoughts almost daily, I know how to enjoy contentment and even serenity when it finds me. 

I like to imagine my child self, happy, joyous, free, untouched. Looking at everything the world has to offer. Making friends with anyone who wants to play with me. Maybe a little bossy, since playtime was very structured in a way that made sense in my brain. Some kids got it, some didn't. I really just want to share my world with someone, to be understood. 

I really like dressing up, another childhood indulgence. I had a big chest of drawers that held all my princess dresses, shiny fabrics, sparkly shoes, wands, cloaks, canes, crowns, you name it. Today I have seventeen hats, five pirate shirts, three cloaks, six shoe pairs, and all the accessories I could need. I carry a hand crafted leather utility belt with me wherever I go, ready with my leatherman, loops, lighter, pen/cil, keys, chapstick and dental floss.

I have lots of interests and hobbies that bring me joy, even if they drive me a bit mad. I place a lot of value in the steps it takes to accomplish something. I can sew, draw, and write almost anything I put my mind to, but my mind hasn't been putting out. Dang it the negative thinking strikes again. It is okay! 

When I feel joyous, I smile wide, I jump up and down, shake my hands, dance, or sing. I love sharing that joy with others, but I can tone it down depending on the circumstance. I often say "yippee!!" or "huzzah!!" to something good that happens. I can feel a warm, goosebump like feeling when listening to my favorite music or something emotionally moving, spreading through my body. 

I know there are joys still unknown to me that I must be here to experience.