Love & Violence III

"Finally, I can stop torturing myself with what I don't want. Instead, I can torture myself with what I do want. Kink and polyamory gave that to me."

This is where we last left off. And it is true, I can do whatever I want with whomever I want. However, since that post I have written on my whiteboard:

"I don't want sexual relationships but I want to be held..."

It's still true that no one can get me off like I can, and the performance anxiety may just be regular anxiety.

I still want that best friend. At D&D I stepped outside for a smoke break and a few party members followed me, one of our DMs said "I'll give you a kiss for a cigarette." And he did. A gentle peck that I said "thank you" for. This DM also grabbed my hand and lifted his shirt to touch his chest as I was about to leave after a campaign saying "is this convincing you to stay?" And you know what it nearly did. I have never had a friend group as affectionate as my D&D party, but I think that's standard for nerds who flirt with each other on purpose. 

The violence here is me ripping apart my insatiable sexual side to the center.

Do I want the sex or do I just want connection?

Do I like the person I am with or do I just like how easy it is for me to please them?

Why am I never 100% comfortable with sleeping next to people after a good hard fucking?

Kink is fun but it's become scary. Could be the medication I'm on to stop me from killing myself or someone else. You know that may have more to do with this than I thought. I've been messaging one of my fuck buddies (now just a buddy ig) and I stated: 

"I like the fact that I'm good at sex and can make other people feel good. If sex work was legal and destigmatized I might have done that. But the people I fuck are not paying customers and they expect more and I can't provide more than what I can."

And then there are the very sweet people I fucked that I do not want to foster a relationship with. I feel like a jerk but I wanted it to stay on the down low. How do you tell someone who hasn't done anything wrong that you don't want to continue? Ghosting feels wrong but I have let things fizzle out more than once. You know that scene from Finding Nemo where Marlin tries to break it off with Dory? Then she starts crying? 

BUT I had another friend tell me that not disclosing your true intentions is a great disservice to you and the people involved, and this is true. What a fine line I have drawn for me to walk on. 

Don't get it twisted I am one kinky motherfucker and I love to watch. I will still go to kink parties and events to be with my people. You can't expect me to quit cold turkey!

Radical

Treat people with kindness

Challenge outdated beliefs

Learn what is true

Show respect

Heal the Earth

I mean the only way we'll all get along is if we're all dead but it's nice to believe we can

Song of the day is Lump by The Presidents of the United States of America

Murder is Bad (sometimes?)

 Is it unethical to wish death upon those who gain profit from the death of others? 

I have this thing in my head where I will make a wish and think my decision is sound. Common wishes are, 'world peace' and 'save the environment' and 'protect the endangered' and 'stop war.' Less common but no less infrequent wishes are, 'kill all billion- and multi-millionaires' and 'all cis-straight-white men 20 and older cannot speak' and 'all humans are infertile' and 'kill all the current government officials everywhere.' These are extremes. I do not want to murder, but god if the bloodlust isn't there.

If I was just a little more unhinged who knows. I can do anything I put my mind to with reasonable effort. 

Song of the day is Fast Car by Tracey Chapman for some reason. 

Gag Rules

From The Inclusive Language Field Guide by Suzanne Wertheim:

"Our present day "let's keep things professional" or "let's stay neutral" is just an updated gag rule, automatically tabling the discussion of the very real systemic problems that permeate our world. Rather than claiming that it's important to stay neutral or professional in order to shut down efforts to be more inclusive, let's avoid masking language and instead have open discussions about bias and unfairness."

We already have discussions about bias and unfairness, all the time every day. The people in power just don't care about the disenfranchised. 

Today another coworker and I struck up conversation about one of my hobbies, leatherwork/sewing. He used she at first, apologized, said they, and continued. I am extremely grateful for the handful of people at work who are doing the bare minimum.

I've tried seeing it from the other standpoint, and I can see how change is scary, but that's the only constant. No wonder the powerful hate when we go a different direction. 

Just imagine I took a huge sigh. Gag Rules should be for kink, not for silencing the oppressed.

Song of the Day 9.16.2025

 Fire and Rain - James Taylor

Been walking my mind to an easy time

My back turned towards the sun

Lord knows, when the cold wind blows

It'll turn your head around

-

When I hear these lyrics, I think of having a rough go of it but remembering it'll pass.

Been walking my mind to an easy time - my brain can be a battlefield, but I know I can watch as the thunderclouds pass and return to baseline

My back turned towards the sun - sometimes I need to look directly away from bright things to get clarity on the hurt

Lord knows, when the cold wind blows - when I meet hardship outside my mind, I need my higher power to lean on

It'll turn your head around - harshness will put things into perspective

Friendly Reminder

 Turns out it's not just me at work. X held our weekly meeting and told us some 'housekeeping' rules to keep in mind. Good to know we're all in this together. I know I'll get my own one on one talking to (again) but I should be more than prepared this time. 

The biggest thing holding me back from reaching out for help is intimidation or lack of situational awareness. I will ask questions, but the answer is just a scroll above in the chat. I won't ask questions, and I say the wrong thing. Someone will come to me with questions and I give the best answer I can, which could be misinformation. 

I'm just slower than my peers. I have to take my time to do a good job. You know it's funny, one of the training videos we had for this job showed a zombie and an alien who worked in an office and the zombie won employee of the month because he took his time to ensure proper procedure. The alien was jealous and didn't understand why the zombie was awarded when he was so slow. The alien ended up releasing malware into the company computer by clicking on stuff they didn't read fully. 

I've been yelled at/berated/joked at for my slow reaction time. I came to be insecure about it. However insecurity serves no one. Today I will THINK 

and be slow

Comic #1 Plans

 

WE’RE UNDER ATTACK!!!

No, brain, we’re not. Your boss is intimidating and you have a traumatic brain injury. Also you’re hungry. 

OK, I don’t actually know for sure if I have a traumatic brain injury, because I don’t know exactly what a ceiling fan blade to the dome as a two week old infant does to you, but I have trauma IN my brain if that counts. 

This burnout is going to send me to the ranch. 

Also song of the day is Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger.

i think war is bad

I think killing around 5 million innocent and guilty people is a bit of an overreaction to the near 3,000 innocent and guilty people lost twenty-four years ago. But maybe that's just me. 

Values

 Magic - Community -  Creativity - Agility - Laughter - Loyalty - Generosity - Honesty - Kindness

MaCoGrAgLaLoGeHoKi

Yes I stole six of these from My Little Pony Friendship is Magic don't sue me. If it ain't broke, use it to your advantage. 

My friend A told me that he's living a values based life instead of a goals based life. That makes sense to me. Cause goals can not be met or change. Values are a structure to work life around and inform decisions. I get what colleges and organizations are going for with this. 

"You find your voice by letting your values guide you and then sharing them with others. ...as long as you are honest, open, and willing to listen to [others'] values, you will be able to find common ground." - Courtney Ballagh

I have a whiteboard in my room that I write down all the things that strike me in the moment. It changes day to day. This was my first entry:

Learning to be kind to myself still!

Song of the Day 9.9.2025

 "Loverboy - Queen"

Ooh, love, ooh, loverboy!

Whatcha doin' tonight? Hey boy!

Write my letter

Feel much better

And use my fancy patter on the telephone

-

When I hear these lyrics, I think of my hopeless romantic self trying to coexist with my horny monster.

Ooh, love, ooh, loverboy! - that's me!

What're you doin' tonight? Hey, boy! - I am usually down for whatever any time of day or night

Write my letter - When I am overcome with lust/love, I write about it

Feel much better - The writing lets my emotions out without fucking up a relationship

And use my fancy patter on the telephone - I sometimes use a lilt in my voice over a call or text to suggest things or propose play

Song of the Day - 9.8.2025

 "Come Over Again - CRAWLERS"

I always have a song in my head, and there are a few that loop every now and again. I used to share this with friends, but as it goes, I felt I was being annoying. Not every song is digestible to my wide array of amigos. 

Take her name out of your mouth

You don't deserve to mourn

You just love the attention

Or do you get bored?

-

When I hear these lyrics, I think of the family members who lament the fact that I am a beautiful girl who is destroying her body. 

Take her name out of your mouth - stop using my birth name

You don't deserve to mourn - I am not dead, please celebrate my new life

You just love the attention - why is it such a big deal to use my preferred pronouns, name, and clothing?

Or do you get bored? - is life so simple for you now that this causes the most distress?

I know this [me learning to love myself] is a new thing to them, they didn't expect or even want this to happen. Luckily my sibling is living the picture perfect life of the traditional family, so I don't have to. 

The One who Birthed Me

Momma turns 60 today. I need to make her a card on my lunch break. It'll say "Welcome to the 60's!" She likes it when I make her cards. We'll go out to dinner with my dad and grandmother. I'll try to enjoy the present moment. The present usually isn't that bad. I love my mom. She loves me. We each love in our own way, the only way we know how.

Rambles IV

I wrote this weeks ago. Still true.

 I am so tired. Physically and mentally. I want to create, my head is swarming with ideas at all times. But I can’t find that spark that makes me want to create. What happened? I have my own place, my own money (barely) and tons of time. But I spend it scrolling media. Sure, I save a bunch of ideas that I will DEFINITELY look at later, but I end up feeling bogged down by the vast amount of people who are better than me. Or in the reverse, people who are just starting out and unafraid of the art world! They are on fire for the things they create, and are shown an outpouring of love for their creations. But I’ve only got a few friends who sparingly like my artworks. I know I have the capacity to create good things, and I want to be a great artist one day. But something stops me. I doubt myself. I crumple up my digital drawings and try again. I don’t delete as much anymore, now I save my art to the cloud so I can look back on it when I need a reminder on how far I’ve come. And I’ve come a long, long way. I suppose I could try to redraw my old artwork. But I keep wanting to try new things! I want a dreamy, soft style. I want a hardcore, edgy style. I want a whimsical, colorful style. I want, i want, i want…but I never sit down long enough to enjoy the process. It feels like work at this point. Ironically, back in college and high school, I would rather draw than do work. I wanted to get better. I’ve reached a plateau that I never thought I’d be able to scale, and I’ve been sitting here for nearly four years. FOUR YEARS! But I still don’t like the way I render things. If you can even call it that. They look blurry, the lighting doesn’t read well, the smoothness is airbrushed into one bland color. It’s so much easier with watercolor. It’s predictable, it’s manageable, and it’s been done for hundreds of years. Digital art, the way I know it, has only been around for thirty. And the artists that I look up to don’t post the tutorials that I desperately need. If they do, it’s behind a paywall which is fine, art is under appreciated and time consuming it only makes sense to ask for payment to share knowledge. But it feels like I’ll never understand. So many people younger than me are already getting it. I’m too scared to put the pen to the screen, experiment, try to recreate their newer, better art. I never seem to be able to create what is in my head. And AI? Don’t get me started. Even in this document, AI is looming in the corner, itching to be used. Sure, I have used it. I may use it again. Even when I know its consequences. Trust me, I know the consequences of my own actions. I keep telling myself, “One day I will get over this, when I have my farm and land I’ll start living right.” But I also know, that is not entirely true. Who knows when I’ll be able to get that land? When my parents die? I don’t want them to die. I still rely on them so much; for guidance, for money, for health insurance, for a car, for car insurance. I know I will have to gain this knowledge and life skills eventually, but even at 26 I feel like a kid, unsure of everything.

Here is what I am sure of.

I am loved by so many people without knowing it. I have a place to call home, that I can retreat to when I am tired. People rely on me for work, for support, for laughs. I have friends that I can reach out to for almost anything, and they can reach out to me. I am funny, I am smart, and I am kind. I like wearing fancy clothes. I like watching my favorite content creators. I like where I work, and I like the people I work with. I like eating tasty food, and I can afford to eat every day.

Wednesday

 Halfway there. Didn't sleep. Head too full of thoughts. Tried to listen to a sleep hypnosis meditation. Didn't work. Tried to sleep outside on the patio while it rained. Didn't work. Got way too sweaty. Climbed back into bed. My charge for the next two nights decided to hop on the bed and snore and fart. Not exactly calming. I know it will pass. I know it will. These past few weeks, months, have felt detrimental to my mental health. Why? Meds, work, family, expectations, friends, society, the world at large. Use the tools I have. Don't think about slamming into a concrete barrier on the way to work. Don't think about getting out of the car and walking into incoming traffic. Don't think about how deep to cut to lose blood faster. Don't think about strangling the next person who calls me ma'am. Don't think about killing other people. Even if they deserve it. Just go to work. Feed myself. Draw. Call someone. Try to sleep. Repeat until death. 

How can I change careers now? What if I end up hating the next job even more? What if my memory gets so bad that I can't hold any job? This doesn't stop horrible people from 'succeeding.' I can do hard things. But I am stuck; I need Baphomet or some other higher power to tell me what to do. I can't make good decisions right now. I can't, I can't, I can't, "can't never could!" my father's voice chimes in. My friend A told me that he doesn't have bad days, just hard days. Coming from the man who performed CPR on his girlfriend with a bullet in her head. He called me as it was happening. How can he be here, smiling and laughing, climbing up on the roof of the house he was abused in smoking a vanilla cigarillo? Would my loved ones do the same if I left? I don't want to leave a mess to clean up. 

Another friend K observed, "you say a lot of 'I should' or 'I need to,' when there comes a point that you need to just do it." okay thanks Shia LeBeouf. Don't you think I know that? Don't you think I know how insufferable I am? Don't you think I know I complain too much? Don't you think I know how hypocritical I am? 

I think my hypersexuality was covering up this sadness, emptiness. I can't feel empty if I'm being filled up with cock. I can't think about the hard days if I'm gagged, blindfolded, whipped and beaten. I can't imagine becoming a grease stain on the highway when I'm pounding someone into the floor. Even my sexual tastes became more extreme to combat the even more extreme thoughts that I have to stifle. Keep my head up. Just go to work. Feed myself. Draw. Call someone. Try to sleep. Repeat until death. 

Edit: these teenage mood swings are ROUGH. I'm listening to Twenty One Pilots again.

Relations

I want to start off by saying I do care about other people. But maybe not in the way others do. 

In past relationships, they dissolved because I couldn't stand being around one person for long periods of time. I can't fall asleep comfortably with another person in my bed. I would fixate on all the little things my partner did that irritated me, not telling them it bothered me because why should I? If I told them to act differently around me I'd be no better than everyone else in my life. So I let the resentment build. I would begin to not feel anything towards their emotions as we neared the breakup. It felt like no one really got me, at least not in the way I thought it was supposed to feel. I thought that I had to give up and settle, once upon a time. I thought, 'well, love is a choice. I must choose to love this person because we are in a relationship.'

After covid, I tried non monogamy and hooking up with people. Sex clubs, swingers' houses, dating app down lows, but never people at a bar. I was in a throuple for two years, eventually separating from the term 'partners' and moving to 'friends with benefits.' I had access to more partners that were casual, meeting for sex or social situations and then leaving. These left me feeling good that I could leave them behind and rest at my own leisure, but a terrible shame and guilt for not feeling any remorse for being a whore. Or worse, I felt like they should be the one fighting for me to stay. I still clung to the idea that anyone could be a potential partner, rooted I believe in church values. What good am I if not a wife bearing children?

I can be the best partner to people for a few months, people pleasing them until they ask 'why have you been so distant lately?'' It's because it is exhausting trying to ignore the pet peeves they produce and giving them as much attention as they requested, even when my energy is depleted. I didn't want to take time for myself to recharge. My track record for partners hasn't been the best either, thinking that 'oh maybe I just need to give them a chance! I am awkward and weird too, surely there won't be any red flags along the way.' Substance abuse, emotional manipulation, and lack of communication boiled over until I couldn't stand it. I had to leave or I would say something incredibly mean to get them to leave, so I could have a clean break. 

A quote from "Unmasking Autism:"

"It took me a long time to realize [that I'm a people pleaser] because I'm opinionated and speak my mind. When [I] really want to connect with another person, [my] instinct is to censor [my] real self and mirror the other person. The more invested I was in an emotional connection, the less likely I was to criticize that person, vocalize when my boundaries were crossed, express unhappiness with their behavior, or share anything that I felt might damage that relationship."

33 partners in 9 years.