Love & Violence III

"Finally, I can stop torturing myself with what I don't want. Instead, I can torture myself with what I do want. Kink and polyamory gave that to me."

This is where we last left off. And it is true, I can do whatever I want with whomever I want. However, since that post I have written on my whiteboard:

"I don't want sexual relationships but I want to be held..."

It's still true that no one can get me off like I can, and the performance anxiety may just be regular anxiety.

I still want that best friend. At D&D I stepped outside for a smoke break and a few party members followed me, one of our DMs said "I'll give you a kiss for a cigarette." And he did. A gentle peck that I said "thank you" for. This DM also grabbed my hand and lifted his shirt to touch his chest as I was about to leave after a campaign saying "is this convincing you to stay?" And you know what it nearly did. I have never had a friend group as affectionate as my D&D party, but I think that's standard for nerds who flirt with each other on purpose. 

The violence here is me ripping apart my insatiable sexual side to the center.

Do I want the sex or do I just want connection?

Do I like the person I am with or do I just like how easy it is for me to please them?

Why am I never 100% comfortable with sleeping next to people after a good hard fucking?

Kink is fun but it's become scary. Could be the medication I'm on to stop me from killing myself or someone else. You know that may have more to do with this than I thought. I've been messaging one of my fuck buddies (now just a buddy ig) and I stated: 

"I like the fact that I'm good at sex and can make other people feel good. If sex work was legal and destigmatized I might have done that. But the people I fuck are not paying customers and they expect more and I can't provide more than what I can."

And then there are the very sweet people I fucked that I do not want to foster a relationship with. I feel like a jerk but I wanted it to stay on the down low. How do you tell someone who hasn't done anything wrong that you don't want to continue? Ghosting feels wrong but I have let things fizzle out more than once. You know that scene from Finding Nemo where Marlin tries to break it off with Dory? Then she starts crying? 

BUT I had another friend tell me that not disclosing your true intentions is a great disservice to you and the people involved, and this is true. What a fine line I have drawn for me to walk on. 

Don't get it twisted I am one kinky motherfucker and I love to watch. I will still go to kink parties and events to be with my people. You can't expect me to quit cold turkey!