Relations

I want to start off by saying I do care about other people. But maybe not in the way others do. 

In past relationships, they dissolved because I couldn't stand being around one person for long periods of time. I can't fall asleep comfortably with another person in my bed. I would fixate on all the little things my partner did that irritated me, not telling them it bothered me because why should I? If I told them to act differently around me I'd be no better than everyone else in my life. So I let the resentment build. I would begin to not feel anything towards their emotions as we neared the breakup. It felt like no one really got me, at least not in the way I thought it was supposed to feel. I thought that I had to give up and settle, once upon a time. I thought, 'well, love is a choice. I must choose to love this person because we are in a relationship.'

After covid, I tried non monogamy and hooking up with people. Sex clubs, swingers' houses, dating app down lows, but never people at a bar. I was in a throuple for two years, eventually separating from the term 'partners' and moving to 'friends with benefits.' I had access to more partners that were casual, meeting for sex or social situations and then leaving. These left me feeling good that I could leave them behind and rest at my own leisure, but a terrible shame and guilt for not feeling any remorse for being a whore. Or worse, I felt like they should be the one fighting for me to stay. I still clung to the idea that anyone could be a potential partner, rooted I believe in church values. What good am I if not a wife bearing children?

I can be the best partner to people for a few months, people pleasing them until they ask 'why have you been so distant lately?'' It's because it is exhausting trying to ignore the pet peeves they produce and giving them as much attention as they requested, even when my energy is depleted. I didn't want to take time for myself to recharge. My track record for partners hasn't been the best either, thinking that 'oh maybe I just need to give them a chance! I am awkward and weird too, surely there won't be any red flags along the way.' Substance abuse, emotional manipulation, and lack of communication boiled over until I couldn't stand it. I had to leave or I would say something incredibly mean to get them to leave, so I could have a clean break. 

A quote from "Unmasking Autism:"

"It took me a long time to realize [that I'm a people pleaser] because I'm opinionated and speak my mind. When [I] really want to connect with another person, [my] instinct is to censor [my] real self and mirror the other person. The more invested I was in an emotional connection, the less likely I was to criticize that person, vocalize when my boundaries were crossed, express unhappiness with their behavior, or share anything that I felt might damage that relationship."

33 partners in 9 years.