Rambles IV

I wrote this weeks ago. Still true.

 I am so tired. Physically and mentally. I want to create, my head is swarming with ideas at all times. But I can’t find that spark that makes me want to create. What happened? I have my own place, my own money (barely) and tons of time. But I spend it scrolling media. Sure, I save a bunch of ideas that I will DEFINITELY look at later, but I end up feeling bogged down by the vast amount of people who are better than me. Or in the reverse, people who are just starting out and unafraid of the art world! They are on fire for the things they create, and are shown an outpouring of love for their creations. But I’ve only got a few friends who sparingly like my artworks. I know I have the capacity to create good things, and I want to be a great artist one day. But something stops me. I doubt myself. I crumple up my digital drawings and try again. I don’t delete as much anymore, now I save my art to the cloud so I can look back on it when I need a reminder on how far I’ve come. And I’ve come a long, long way. I suppose I could try to redraw my old artwork. But I keep wanting to try new things! I want a dreamy, soft style. I want a hardcore, edgy style. I want a whimsical, colorful style. I want, i want, i want…but I never sit down long enough to enjoy the process. It feels like work at this point. Ironically, back in college and high school, I would rather draw than do work. I wanted to get better. I’ve reached a plateau that I never thought I’d be able to scale, and I’ve been sitting here for nearly four years. FOUR YEARS! But I still don’t like the way I render things. If you can even call it that. They look blurry, the lighting doesn’t read well, the smoothness is airbrushed into one bland color. It’s so much easier with watercolor. It’s predictable, it’s manageable, and it’s been done for hundreds of years. Digital art, the way I know it, has only been around for thirty. And the artists that I look up to don’t post the tutorials that I desperately need. If they do, it’s behind a paywall which is fine, art is under appreciated and time consuming it only makes sense to ask for payment to share knowledge. But it feels like I’ll never understand. So many people younger than me are already getting it. I’m too scared to put the pen to the screen, experiment, try to recreate their newer, better art. I never seem to be able to create what is in my head. And AI? Don’t get me started. Even in this document, AI is looming in the corner, itching to be used. Sure, I have used it. I may use it again. Even when I know its consequences. Trust me, I know the consequences of my own actions. I keep telling myself, “One day I will get over this, when I have my farm and land I’ll start living right.” But I also know, that is not entirely true. Who knows when I’ll be able to get that land? When my parents die? I don’t want them to die. I still rely on them so much; for guidance, for money, for health insurance, for a car, for car insurance. I know I will have to gain this knowledge and life skills eventually, but even at 26 I feel like a kid, unsure of everything.

Here is what I am sure of.

I am loved by so many people without knowing it. I have a place to call home, that I can retreat to when I am tired. People rely on me for work, for support, for laughs. I have friends that I can reach out to for almost anything, and they can reach out to me. I am funny, I am smart, and I am kind. I like wearing fancy clothes. I like watching my favorite content creators. I like where I work, and I like the people I work with. I like eating tasty food, and I can afford to eat every day.