Rambles II

What do you get when you cross a sad over-critical sexually abused codependent alcoholic with an angry alexithymian sexually abused codependent alcoholic? Me <3

I am watching a video on LinkedIn Learning that suggests talking to my insecure parts and strategic parts and giving them new roles to make them better tools for being my whole self. The speaker brought up restructuring my body language and talking to my parts. Embrace your insecurities, be kind to yourself, and practice integrating your vulnerable feelings into your preparation. “Find your whole self’s posture, the thing you do with your body to remind you of your dignity and all of the best things about you.” Why would I talk about the best things about me? Isn’t that bragging, or conceited? My brain, just this morning, was telling me things: they love you but they don’t care for you. You are an insignificant speck in the vastness of the universe, you will die one day and nothing you do matters. They don’t love you like you love them. You ask for too much. You are greedy and selfish. You’re a bad friend, you never told them happy birthday, you never got them a birthday present. You’re an idiot, why can’t you remember anything useful? You annoy people, you are rude without knowing it. You are horny way too often you sexual degenerate. You never keep up with them. You’re disgusting, if they knew you’d be institutionalized. You deserve to die. You procrastinate everything until the last second. You should throw everything you own away, it’s just junk. All your friends have someone better in their lives, you don’t matter. Buy a gun. Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself. You have to pretend everything is okay and eventually it will be.

I’m struggling. I’m having the bad thoughts again. Why is it that when I am hungry or tired, everything is awful? Other days I walk in smiling at the beauty of the world. What is this anger trying to tell me? Why am I thinking of death when the day will be over soon enough? Why can’t I snap out of this fog? I need to stop smoking I’m sure that’ll fix all my problems. Other people aren’t this worried about messing up all the time. Well what if I get fired? Wouldn't be the first time. I’ll survive. But why am I borrowing worry for something that hasn’t happened, or might not happen? What use does this have? Why does my brain want to show me images of the worst case scenario, over and over and over and over? snap out of it snap out of it asnapt oout of it anspa out of it snap out ig it snap out of it snap put of it asnap toou og it snap out og it snap oout of it snap oaut of it snap out of it 

There’s a quote from Bob the Drag Queen, “…Everything works out in the end. If it’s not working out, it’s not the end.”

Thank god for drag queens.