Fall

We all fall down. Trip, stumble, crash. All things considered I don’t have it bad. I just feel like if I’m not actively making money I am a failure. And if I continue to not make money I will go to prison. But enough on anxiety. I fell. Now if only I could get some quality sleep. It’s either too much or not enough. I tried to sleep at 9:30, and I tossed and turned so much I’m golden roasted. It’s nearly 6:00 now and I figured why not write about it. 

Every day I think about the person I want to be and where I see myself in the future. And each day I do one thing to get me to that goal. I’m just slow. Meditating and medication have helped me reach a baseline. Seasonal sad is encroaching, it’s already hit a few of my friends. It’s hard to not listen to the drill sergeant in my head hurling insults and telling me I’m better off dead. At least the dead don’t have to worry about bills. 

“Oh my god get OVER yourself I thought you left the whiny emo teen in high school where they belong. You’re lucky as hell you know that? You’re gonna survive and live that fucking life.”

“Hey that’s not fair. The teen is still me and I can be emo and older at the same time. Turns out your twenties are a bitch!”

“Okay so stop complaining already and do something. Apply to a goddamn job.”

“I don’t want to. I don’t dream of labor and I don’t want to owe anyone anything…”

“Well too fucking late you will have to make money for the rest of your life and you owe money just by being alive.”

“That just doesn’t seem right…what about the people who can’t work for one reason or another?”

“Tough luck!”

“I can always run away…”

“And where would you go? You freak out at anything you’re not familiar with. You cry when you get scared.”

“I’ll find my people, somewhere outside the south…”

“Wherever you go there you are. You’ll find new people but YOU will still be there. You can’t escape reality.”

“But if I change my environment I can change other parts of myself too.”

“And what will you do if you can’t? If you fall back into your own patterns? What then?”

“I’ll ask for help.”

“Who is going to help you? When you left all your troubles and treasures behind?”

“Baphomet.”

These are the circles I spin in my head. Usually they’re a lot more mean but it helped to play with the words. It’s true I could run away but that’s a lot of work, and I am slow. I’ve fallen but I will get back up. 

On the bright side I’ve been painting a lot more!

 ✨ I got fired ✨

Love & Violence III

"Finally, I can stop torturing myself with what I don't want. Instead, I can torture myself with what I do want. Kink and polyamory gave that to me."

This is where we last left off. And it is true, I can do whatever I want with whomever I want. However, since that post I have written on my whiteboard:

"I don't want sexual relationships but I want to be held..."

It's still true that no one can get me off like I can, and the performance anxiety may just be regular anxiety.

I still want that best friend. At D&D I stepped outside for a smoke break and a few party members followed me, one of our DMs said "I'll give you a kiss for a cigarette." And he did. A gentle peck that I said "thank you" for. This DM also grabbed my hand and lifted his shirt to touch his chest as I was about to leave after a campaign saying "is this convincing you to stay?" And you know what it nearly did. I have never had a friend group as affectionate as my D&D party, but I think that's standard for nerds who flirt with each other on purpose. 

The violence here is me ripping apart my insatiable sexual side to the center.

Do I want the sex or do I just want connection?

Do I like the person I am with or do I just like how easy it is for me to please them?

Why am I never 100% comfortable with sleeping next to people after a good hard fucking?

Kink is fun but it's become scary. Could be the medication I'm on to stop me from killing myself or someone else. You know that may have more to do with this than I thought. I've been messaging one of my fuck buddies (now just a buddy ig) and I stated: 

"I like the fact that I'm good at sex and can make other people feel good. If sex work was legal and destigmatized I might have done that. But the people I fuck are not paying customers and they expect more and I can't provide more than what I can."

And then there are the very sweet people I fucked that I do not want to foster a relationship with. I feel like a jerk but I wanted it to stay on the down low. How do you tell someone who hasn't done anything wrong that you don't want to continue? Ghosting feels wrong but I have let things fizzle out more than once. You know that scene from Finding Nemo where Marlin tries to break it off with Dory? Then she starts crying? 

BUT I had another friend tell me that not disclosing your true intentions is a great disservice to you and the people involved, and this is true. What a fine line I have drawn for me to walk on. 

Don't get it twisted I am one kinky motherfucker and I love to watch. I will still go to kink parties and events to be with my people. You can't expect me to quit cold turkey!

Radical

Treat people with kindness

Challenge outdated beliefs

Learn what is true

Show respect

Heal the Earth

I mean the only way we'll all get along is if we're all dead but it's nice to believe we can

Song of the day is Lump by The Presidents of the United States of America

Murder is Bad (sometimes?)

 Is it unethical to wish death upon those who gain profit from the death of others? 

I have this thing in my head where I will make a wish and think my decision is sound. Common wishes are, 'world peace' and 'save the environment' and 'protect the endangered' and 'stop war.' Less common but no less infrequent wishes are, 'kill all billion- and multi-millionaires' and 'all cis-straight-white men 20 and older cannot speak' and 'all humans are infertile' and 'kill all the current government officials everywhere.' These are extremes. I do not want to murder, but god if the bloodlust isn't there.

If I was just a little more unhinged who knows. I can do anything I put my mind to with reasonable effort. 

Song of the day is Fast Car by Tracey Chapman for some reason. 

Gag Rules

From The Inclusive Language Field Guide by Suzanne Wertheim:

"Our present day "let's keep things professional" or "let's stay neutral" is just an updated gag rule, automatically tabling the discussion of the very real systemic problems that permeate our world. Rather than claiming that it's important to stay neutral or professional in order to shut down efforts to be more inclusive, let's avoid masking language and instead have open discussions about bias and unfairness."

We already have discussions about bias and unfairness, all the time every day. The people in power just don't care about the disenfranchised. 

Today another coworker and I struck up conversation about one of my hobbies, leatherwork/sewing. He used she at first, apologized, said they, and continued. I am extremely grateful for the handful of people at work who are doing the bare minimum.

I've tried seeing it from the other standpoint, and I can see how change is scary, but that's the only constant. No wonder the powerful hate when we go a different direction. 

Just imagine I took a huge sigh. Gag Rules should be for kink, not for silencing the oppressed.

Song of the Day 9.16.2025

 Fire and Rain - James Taylor

Been walking my mind to an easy time

My back turned towards the sun

Lord knows, when the cold wind blows

It'll turn your head around

-

When I hear these lyrics, I think of having a rough go of it but remembering it'll pass.

Been walking my mind to an easy time - my brain can be a battlefield, but I know I can watch as the thunderclouds pass and return to baseline

My back turned towards the sun - sometimes I need to look directly away from bright things to get clarity on the hurt

Lord knows, when the cold wind blows - when I meet hardship outside my mind, I need my higher power to lean on

It'll turn your head around - harshness will put things into perspective