We all fall down. Trip, stumble, crash. All things considered I don’t have it bad. I just feel like if I’m not actively making money I am a failure. And if I continue to not make money I will go to prison. But enough on anxiety. I fell. Now if only I could get some quality sleep. It’s either too much or not enough. I tried to sleep at 9:30, and I tossed and turned so much I’m golden roasted. It’s nearly 6:00 now and I figured why not write about it.
Every day I think about the person I want to be and where I see myself in the future. And each day I do one thing to get me to that goal. I’m just slow. Meditating and medication have helped me reach a baseline. Seasonal sad is encroaching, it’s already hit a few of my friends. It’s hard to not listen to the drill sergeant in my head hurling insults and telling me I’m better off dead. At least the dead don’t have to worry about bills.
“Oh my god get OVER yourself I thought you left the whiny emo teen in high school where they belong. You’re lucky as hell you know that? You’re gonna survive and live that fucking life.”
“Hey that’s not fair. The teen is still me and I can be emo and older at the same time. Turns out your twenties are a bitch!”
“Okay so stop complaining already and do something. Apply to a goddamn job.”
“I don’t want to. I don’t dream of labor and I don’t want to owe anyone anything…”
“Well too fucking late you will have to make money for the rest of your life and you owe money just by being alive.”
“That just doesn’t seem right…what about the people who can’t work for one reason or another?”
“Tough luck!”
“I can always run away…”
“And where would you go? You freak out at anything you’re not familiar with. You cry when you get scared.”
“I’ll find my people, somewhere outside the south…”
“Wherever you go there you are. You’ll find new people but YOU will still be there. You can’t escape reality.”
“But if I change my environment I can change other parts of myself too.”
“And what will you do if you can’t? If you fall back into your own patterns? What then?”
“I’ll ask for help.”
“Who is going to help you? When you left all your troubles and treasures behind?”
“Baphomet.”
These are the circles I spin in my head. Usually they’re a lot more mean but it helped to play with the words. It’s true I could run away but that’s a lot of work, and I am slow. I’ve fallen but I will get back up.
On the bright side I’ve been painting a lot more!
